"I am an open book. I am a book waiting to be read, but I'm also a book that's been closed so many times in the past,
and has sometimes stayed closed for so long that some of the pages are
stuck together. Some of my pages have been ripped out and replaced with a
nicer version of what actually happened, because I don't want people to
read the true story of what happened, and because I want to replace a bad memory with a
false memory of what sort of happened. Some pages have been
ripped out
altogether and have been crumpled and burned, because no one cares
what's on those
pages... Either that or I just don't want people to know, so I have
instead chosen to forget what they said altogether. In the margins of the pages, there
are little quotes and drawings that have been hastily scribbled there,
almost as an after-thought of the actual words on the page. The words on
my pages are sometimes
eloquent and well-put, and sometimes they are incomplete and
incoherent,
waiting for someone to smooth them out or try to understand them. There
are some punctuation and grammar errors that demonstrate my
imperfections and my unwillingness to ever try to be a
perfectionist. The binding is beginning to tear and show signs of use,
from all the pages that have been turned
and all the new chapters that have been started. At the back, there is a
section of blank pages that are waiting to be written on with details
of my new adventures and lessons that I will learn. So yes, I am an open
book, but I am an incomplete
book. What you'll find in my pages may surprise you, horrify you, or
maybe it will speak to you in some way that only books can. I'm not a
book that you can go to Barnes & Noble and buy. I'm one of those
books that you can find at the used bookstore sitting in a corner
by the window in the sunlight, just
waiting to be picked up by someone who is willing to learn about me and
discover the secrets and stories that hide on each page. And those are
the very best
kind if books, the ones that are worn out and a little bit used, and
don't look all that amazing on the outside... but once someone has the
courage to open the book,
it's discovered that a genuine story of life lies between the front and
back cover."Tuesday, March 25, 2014
A page from my notebook of thoughts
I was up late last night doing some thinking about, you know, life and everything, and I wrote the following in my journal (I thought it was interesting/creative, so I figured that I might let y'all enjoy a piece of my thoughts):
"I am an open book. I am a book waiting to be read, but I'm also a book that's been closed so many times in the past,
and has sometimes stayed closed for so long that some of the pages are
stuck together. Some of my pages have been ripped out and replaced with a
nicer version of what actually happened, because I don't want people to
read the true story of what happened, and because I want to replace a bad memory with a
false memory of what sort of happened. Some pages have been
ripped out
altogether and have been crumpled and burned, because no one cares
what's on those
pages... Either that or I just don't want people to know, so I have
instead chosen to forget what they said altogether. In the margins of the pages, there
are little quotes and drawings that have been hastily scribbled there,
almost as an after-thought of the actual words on the page. The words on
my pages are sometimes
eloquent and well-put, and sometimes they are incomplete and
incoherent,
waiting for someone to smooth them out or try to understand them. There
are some punctuation and grammar errors that demonstrate my
imperfections and my unwillingness to ever try to be a
perfectionist. The binding is beginning to tear and show signs of use,
from all the pages that have been turned
and all the new chapters that have been started. At the back, there is a
section of blank pages that are waiting to be written on with details
of my new adventures and lessons that I will learn. So yes, I am an open
book, but I am an incomplete
book. What you'll find in my pages may surprise you, horrify you, or
maybe it will speak to you in some way that only books can. I'm not a
book that you can go to Barnes & Noble and buy. I'm one of those
books that you can find at the used bookstore sitting in a corner
by the window in the sunlight, just
waiting to be picked up by someone who is willing to learn about me and
discover the secrets and stories that hide on each page. And those are
the very best
kind if books, the ones that are worn out and a little bit used, and
don't look all that amazing on the outside... but once someone has the
courage to open the book,
it's discovered that a genuine story of life lies between the front and
back cover."
"I am an open book. I am a book waiting to be read, but I'm also a book that's been closed so many times in the past,
and has sometimes stayed closed for so long that some of the pages are
stuck together. Some of my pages have been ripped out and replaced with a
nicer version of what actually happened, because I don't want people to
read the true story of what happened, and because I want to replace a bad memory with a
false memory of what sort of happened. Some pages have been
ripped out
altogether and have been crumpled and burned, because no one cares
what's on those
pages... Either that or I just don't want people to know, so I have
instead chosen to forget what they said altogether. In the margins of the pages, there
are little quotes and drawings that have been hastily scribbled there,
almost as an after-thought of the actual words on the page. The words on
my pages are sometimes
eloquent and well-put, and sometimes they are incomplete and
incoherent,
waiting for someone to smooth them out or try to understand them. There
are some punctuation and grammar errors that demonstrate my
imperfections and my unwillingness to ever try to be a
perfectionist. The binding is beginning to tear and show signs of use,
from all the pages that have been turned
and all the new chapters that have been started. At the back, there is a
section of blank pages that are waiting to be written on with details
of my new adventures and lessons that I will learn. So yes, I am an open
book, but I am an incomplete
book. What you'll find in my pages may surprise you, horrify you, or
maybe it will speak to you in some way that only books can. I'm not a
book that you can go to Barnes & Noble and buy. I'm one of those
books that you can find at the used bookstore sitting in a corner
by the window in the sunlight, just
waiting to be picked up by someone who is willing to learn about me and
discover the secrets and stories that hide on each page. And those are
the very best
kind if books, the ones that are worn out and a little bit used, and
don't look all that amazing on the outside... but once someone has the
courage to open the book,
it's discovered that a genuine story of life lies between the front and
back cover."
Sunday, March 23, 2014
I am fierce.
This describes me absolutely perfectly:
That is me. Small but fierce.
I am little, but I still:
-Have a huge heart that wants to love people and everything good around me
-Have a mind full of world-changing, blossoming ideas
-Have a voice. And heck yes I will/do use it
-Can be incredibly stubborn about everything
-Will brave any storm
-Encourage those around me
-Stand strong in my faith
-Stand up for what I believe, and what is right
-Help the helpless
-Give hope to the hopeless
-Live life to the fullest
-Love people and the world like I'm gonna die tomorrow
-Take the optimistic view of life
-Take every opportunity
-Want to change the world
-Will fight any enemy
-Will take on the world.
I may be small, but I am fierce.
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
// 5 line poem //
You touched my heart
the way that no one had before.
And when you touched my soul,
I knew that I never, ever
wanted to let you go.
-a.v.g.
Thursday, February 13, 2014
piano & faith
I was playing the piano the other day, and just for fun I decided to get out some of my old piano pieces that I hadn't played in a while. I knew that I would not be able to play them with as much skill as I had when I first learned them, but I was not expecting to be as bad at them as I was. As my fingers stumbled over the keys and worked to remember the notes that they once played so easily, my mind wandered a bit (as it usually does), and I began thinking about how our faith is similar to playing the piano. Our faith is something that should be continuously growing and becoming stronger. Faith isn't something you can "take a break from". Faith is constant, faith should never falter. We can't just put God on the shelf for a while and then come back to him later and expect to pick up where we left off. With piano pieces, you can't put them on a shelf, pull them off a couple months later and expect to just pick it up where you left off. No, you have to re-learn the things that you already learned in the past. I think it's like that with our Christian faith, too. If you put God on the shelf for a while, you're going to backslide and that means that later, when you come back, you're going to have to re-climb the steps that you already took in your faith, you're going to have re-learn what you had already learned. Leaving God on the shelf for a while does you no good. In fact, it does you harm, because instead of being able to progressive in your Christian walk, you have to re-walk the steps that you already took earlier.
Friday, January 31, 2014
bits and pieces of my thoughts
This past month, I've probably done more thinking than I have ever done before (or at least that's what it feels like). I've thought about [almost] everything - life, the government, goals, the Supreme Court, God, disappointments, love, failure, beautifully wonderful people, purpose, stories, joy, theology, sorrow, and sunrises. It would be an impossible thing for me to lay every single one of my thoughts down in a comprehensible form. There is so much that goes on inside my head that I simply cannot find the worlds to say or express. But here are a few pieces of what I've been thinking about (yes, they're kinda random) ~
People. Wow. People are amazing. Talking to people and hearing their stories makes me feel all q894tyh9osdjshjladfj inside because people are beautiful and wonderful and everything in between. Some days my mind is blown when I remember that God made people and he made each person unique and with their very own personality and their own heart and their own soul. If that isn't cool then I don't know what is. This past month I have seen people find joy in the midst of sorrow. I have seen people persevere when things seemed impossible. And I have seen people conquer the demons that they didn't think were conquerable.
I was driving to school one Monday morning and the sun hadn't quite risen yet, but I could tell that it was just about ready to come over the horizon. Right before it came into view, the sky was a clear, cold, pure blue, with just a few whispy clouds scattered around. Then the sun came up over the horizon and it was like all of a sudden everything was bathed in a warm golden light, and the sky was filled with light, and the underside of the clouds turned a brilliant orange, which contrasted radiantly with the still-blue sky behind it. It's during moments like that when I think, "There is no way that evolution is possible because a) there's no way sunrises could have evolved to be this pretty, and b) there is no way that we, as humans, should have evolved so as to be able to stand in awe of such beauty and even begin to appreciate it".
I do believe that feeling like you've been a disappointment to someone is possibly the worst feeling in the world.
Sometimes when people compliment me, or say I'm a nice person, or "wow you're perfect", I just say "thanks!" when what I really want to say is "Yeah, sometimes I nice. And sometimes I can also be mean and unthoughtful and there are times when I regret doing/saying things. I'm not a perfect person, and I'm far from it. On the inside I'm a completely broken person. I sin just as much as everyone else... I can just be really good at hiding it sometimes. I need Jesus just as much as everyone else." Don't get me wrong - I do try really hard to be nice and love everyone, but I definitely don't do it absolutely all of the time.
Everything about this quote: “If you have really handed yourself over to Him, it must follow that you are trying to obey Him. But trying in a new way, a less worried way. Not doing these things in order to be saved, but because He has begun to save you already. Not hoping to get to Heaven as a reward for your actions, but inevitably wanting to act in a certain way because a first faint gleam of Heaven is already inside you." --C.S. Lewis
^Go read through that quote again. And again. And again. Wow. I mean we've all heard that before... but Lewis puts it so perfectly.
I miss cool summer nights when I could just go outside and look up at the stars and marvel at how close they seemed even when, in reality, they are unfathomably far away.
I am constantly torn between the desire to stay here in Nebraska, which has been my home my whole entire life... and go out into the world and go everywhere. Visit every continent, learn about the history in each place, climb more mountains, meet new people, and try new things. I can't decide if I want to stay or if I want to go... it's not that I don't like adventures, but I'm afraid to leave for too long because I always fear that people will forget me or that everything will change while I'm gone. Plus there are plenty of adventures just around here.
-----
People. Wow. People are amazing. Talking to people and hearing their stories makes me feel all q894tyh9osdjshjladfj inside because people are beautiful and wonderful and everything in between. Some days my mind is blown when I remember that God made people and he made each person unique and with their very own personality and their own heart and their own soul. If that isn't cool then I don't know what is. This past month I have seen people find joy in the midst of sorrow. I have seen people persevere when things seemed impossible. And I have seen people conquer the demons that they didn't think were conquerable.
-----
I was driving to school one Monday morning and the sun hadn't quite risen yet, but I could tell that it was just about ready to come over the horizon. Right before it came into view, the sky was a clear, cold, pure blue, with just a few whispy clouds scattered around. Then the sun came up over the horizon and it was like all of a sudden everything was bathed in a warm golden light, and the sky was filled with light, and the underside of the clouds turned a brilliant orange, which contrasted radiantly with the still-blue sky behind it. It's during moments like that when I think, "There is no way that evolution is possible because a) there's no way sunrises could have evolved to be this pretty, and b) there is no way that we, as humans, should have evolved so as to be able to stand in awe of such beauty and even begin to appreciate it".
-----
I do believe that feeling like you've been a disappointment to someone is possibly the worst feeling in the world.
-----
Sometimes when people compliment me, or say I'm a nice person, or "wow you're perfect", I just say "thanks!" when what I really want to say is "Yeah, sometimes I nice. And sometimes I can also be mean and unthoughtful and there are times when I regret doing/saying things. I'm not a perfect person, and I'm far from it. On the inside I'm a completely broken person. I sin just as much as everyone else... I can just be really good at hiding it sometimes. I need Jesus just as much as everyone else." Don't get me wrong - I do try really hard to be nice and love everyone, but I definitely don't do it absolutely all of the time.
-----
Everything about this quote: “If you have really handed yourself over to Him, it must follow that you are trying to obey Him. But trying in a new way, a less worried way. Not doing these things in order to be saved, but because He has begun to save you already. Not hoping to get to Heaven as a reward for your actions, but inevitably wanting to act in a certain way because a first faint gleam of Heaven is already inside you." --C.S. Lewis
^Go read through that quote again. And again. And again. Wow. I mean we've all heard that before... but Lewis puts it so perfectly.
-----
I miss cool summer nights when I could just go outside and look up at the stars and marvel at how close they seemed even when, in reality, they are unfathomably far away.
-----
I am constantly torn between the desire to stay here in Nebraska, which has been my home my whole entire life... and go out into the world and go everywhere. Visit every continent, learn about the history in each place, climb more mountains, meet new people, and try new things. I can't decide if I want to stay or if I want to go... it's not that I don't like adventures, but I'm afraid to leave for too long because I always fear that people will forget me or that everything will change while I'm gone. Plus there are plenty of adventures just around here.
-----
This:
"Outside of the will of God, there is nothing I want. And in the will of God, there is nothing I fear." -A.W. Tozer
-----
Sunday, January 12, 2014
just a quote
"I
would rather be what God chose to make me than the most glorious
creature that I could think of; for to have been thought about, born in
God's thought, and then made by God, is the dearest, grandest and most
precious thing in all thinking." - George Macdonald
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
2013: My year in review
I'll just be honest -- 2013 was NOT the best year of my life. It was really hard at times, and there were some difficult situations. But - I did learn a lot, and I felt like I had a lot of fantastic opportunities. Here are the highlights of my year, including fun events, memories, and some quotes... (there are some things that I'm not including because they're, you know, weird):
Regionals - this was an adventure. Had a blast talking each night with my debate friends in the hotel. We had some people sing in our debate round (it's not against the rules...), and I had a fun time swinging (there was a swing set out behind the church). It's not often that you find a group of high schoolers, dressed in full suits, trying to see who can swing the highest.
Had fun with this little man. :)
Kansas City tournament - first tournament of the year!
Debated Rachel and Merrill in quarterfinals... annnnd lost.
I did place 2nd in Extemp, which I was really excited about, due to the fact that it was my very first time trying extemp. :)
~*~
Feb. 5, after having a difficult day, I wrote in my journal: "Why dwell on the past when there's a future to look forward to?"
~*~
And then the Lincoln tournament.
John is a ladies' man. :)
The "chain of love".
My super fantastic debate partner!
After the tournament, we went out to eat at Olive Garden... which ended up being one of the most fun nights of the entire year.
~*~
School: I did well in all my classes, but Chemistry proved to be one of the most entertaining classes, since people slept a lot, we wrote a lot of stories (one where I died from a drug overdose...), and drew funny pictures.
~*~
March 22. Annie chatted me and told me that she wanted to do speech and debate... and now she is!
~*~
Omaha tournament... aka the "Cake-walk qualifier" :P
Before the tournament, I received an encouraging email from my dear friend, Ellen: "This is one tournament. Three days, and three days only of your life.
The awards you win here will eventually be forgotten. Even some of the
friends too, will someday walk out of your life. But the steps you take
on your walk with God, those steps you take towards the foot of the cross...
the steps you are going to take the next few days are important in a way
that you don't know that they are. So be careful where you step."
^^wise words.
Debated these guys in semifinals!
Annnnd, made it to finals in debate for the first time!
~*~
Participated in the pro-life speech contest and got 1st and won $400. Jake got 2nd, Merrill got 3rd. After I had given my speech, I sat back down, and Merrill leaned over and said to me, "Jake and I want you for president..."
~*~
Made phone calls for something -- can't remember what (city council or something)-- with the Gages, and Hudson, and I think Nate and Tony were there too. Sam and I wrote notes to each other, but that ended when John grabbed the notebook we were writing in and started shredding what we were saying.
~*~
Regionals - this was an adventure. Had a blast talking each night with my debate friends in the hotel. We had some people sing in our debate round (it's not against the rules...), and I had a fun time swinging (there was a swing set out behind the church). It's not often that you find a group of high schoolers, dressed in full suits, trying to see who can swing the highest.
Had fun with this little man. :)
Tom and I were excited. :D
After not debating Rosemary and Ellen all year long, we finally did debate them - 6th round at Regionals. And that round was intense. And our teams even matched!
Not entirely sure what this was about, but the guys were having some sort of contest to see who could get the most points by getting girls to do stuff for them... so Natalie and I decided to help Drew out by sitting by him.
And then, after we got back from Regionals... there was snow. IN MAY. SNOW IN MAY.
~*~
Natalie and I qualified to Nationals in debate, and we had a total blast in Oklahoma. We failed at debate, but had a good time meeting new people, including our friend, Peter, who we had met online, and had been doing some debate stuff with.
There were some pretty cool gold mirrors on the buildings.
~*~
After Nationals was over, I went and spent some time at a lake with my dad's side of the family. I tried knee-boarding, water-boarding, tubing, and some other stuff that I can't remember. I built a small sand castle, and got a terrrriiiibbble sunburn.
~*~
I rogued and detasseled during the summer.
~*~
Our family vacation took us to Colorado, where we climbed a mountain. It was really pretty, but I did get altitude sickness, because I had gone from 1,000 some feet, to 14,000 feet in less than 24 hours.
During this mountain climbing adventure, I also nearly died. Well, not really. But I was pretty terrified. I'm not a huge fan of walking in a ledge that is only a few feet wide, while there is a several-hundred-foot drop off directly to my left.
~*~
In October, I attended the World Food Prize conference, where I had the opportunity to discuss ways of solving world hunger with world leaders. So that was pretty cool.
The president of Iceland was there.. it's not every day that you get to see the President of Iceland. :)
~*~
On Halloween, there was a costume dance, which was really fun. I went as Miss Scarlet (from Clue).
Some of my best friends. :)
And Hannah. She is wonderful.
~*~
The end of the year: went and saw a couple good movies (Catching Fire and The Hobbit) with friends.
~*~
One important thing I learned this year: Sometimes it's hard to forgive people, but choosing to forgive someone can repair a friendship.
Other important thing I learned: The government isn't in great condition right now... xP
Favorite verse: Psalm 139:9-10, "If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast."
Favorite quotes: "The happy life which all men desire cannot be reached by any who does
not cleave with a pure and holy love to that one supreme good, the
unchangeable God." -Saint Augustine, The City of God
"I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day, and I believe in miracles." - Audrey Hepburn
Anyways. 2014 is approaching quickly, and I am really excited to start a new year. Hopefully I learn more this next year, have even more opportunities, make better decisions than I did this year, and I also hope the government gets itself straightened out (doubtful).
Happy New Year!
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