Thoughts... that don't make sense

First day of the tournament.

Best part was hanging out in the dark... swinging, singing, and star-gazing with amazing people. It was beautiful.

Sometimes my life isn't going perfectly. And when it isn't... do you know what I do? I swing and look at the stars.

Because each time I swing a little higher, I feel a little closer to the stars.

It's almost here...

Regionals.

^I can't decide if I'm terrified or just really excited. 

I usually head into debate tournaments with a certain goal in mind. And usually it's a goal about how well I want to do. At Kansas City, I just wanted to break. At Lincoln, I wanted to win at least one outround. At Omaha I wanted to win. I always try really hard to reach my goals... and so far this year, I've either achieved them or come really close to achieving them. 

It's time to set a new goal for Regionals. And I think I have one.

The other day, I was speaking on the phone to someone that I look up to - Mrs. Gage. We were discussing Regionals, and I mentioned to her that I wanted to do well at Regionals. She stopped me and said, "Anne, your goal in debate shouldn't just be to win... it should be to make every round the best round that it can possibly be." Since her phone call, I've thought a lot about what she said... and have come to the conclusion that she's right. I'm just like anybody else, I WANT to win debate rounds. And that's not a bad thing. But sometimes the desire to win changes the way I debate. I confess, I'm not by any means the greatest or most honest debater. It's really easy to only speak the half-truth (or try to conceal something) in a debate round (especially in Cross-examination :P). And I'm not saying I think people should say things that make them lose.... but, I think I'd rather lose an honest debate round than win a round where the truth is not always spoken.

So. At Regionals... this is my goal for the tournament: Make every debate round the best round that it can be. I want to debate my best and with integrity... and then leave the results up to God. And I want to always have a smile on my face.

Am I prepared to debate? No.   Am I excited? You better believe it. 

I have a feeling this may turn out to be one of the best tournaments yet... I guess we'll see soon enough. :)

Having strength

Sometimes God sends trials into our life; trials that seem impossible, unbearable, and we honestly wonder how we'll ever make it out of them alive. So often I find myself asking, "God, please please please, just make this easier for me. Then I can handle it." I don't think that's necessarily the right way to go about things. God does give us trials for a reason, and I think we should ask Him to make us strong enough to bear the trials, not just make them easier. 

John F. Kennedy once said: "Do not ask for easy lives. Pray to be stronger men."

That quote has inspired me SO much. Often, when faced with something hard in my life, it is so much easier to ask God just to make things easier. But instead, I want to ask Him to make me stronger. That's what trials do... they make us stronger. Trials and hard times in life aren't meant to just make us weaker and weaker. Sometimes they do tear us down... but only for a while. Ultimately, they make us so much stronger. Hopefully they build our faith and make our trust in God more firm. God uses our trials for many different reasons. I have seen Him use our trials to reach other people, to test us, to show His power. And yes, sometimes we don't know WHY God puts things in our lives. It's hard to know. Romans 8:28 says, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

In ALL things, God will work for our good, even if it doesn't always seem like it. We should also keep in mind that God never sends us a trial that is too hard for us. 

Francis de Sales once said: "The everlasting God has in His wisdom foreseen from eternity the cross that He now presents to you as a gift from His inmost heart. This cross He now sends you He has considered with His all-knowing eyes, understood with His divine mind, tested with His wise justice, warmed with loving arms and weighed with His own hands to see that it be not one inch too large and not one ounce too heavy for you. He has blessed it with His holy Name, anointed it with His grace, perfumed it with His consideration, taken one last glance at you and your courage, and then sent it to you from Heaven, a special greeting from God to you..." 

Yes, God sends us crosses to bear. But they will never EVER be too heavy for us.

The next time something hard comes into your life... don't ask God to just make it easier. Ask Him to make you stronger. He will. He always works everything out for our own good, even though we can't always see His purpose at the very beginning. 

Change

The other day I was looking through some old things I had written, and I found a poem that I wrote a few months ago. It immediately captured my attention because it described perfectly just exactly what I was going through.

[Untitled Poem]

When I fall asleep at night,

In my dreams I think of you

You used to do the same with me

But now I don't think you do

You're my last thought each night

My first thought when I wake

But something happened.
You woke one day 

And turned the page

You started a new chapter of your life

And my name isn't on that page. 

I think its time I closed the door

Maybe it's time to think of you no more

You started again

You went back to square one

You never turned back

I hoped for a while
That you'd look back to me

But it never happened

The time tore me down

I finally broke

I closed the door that you'd never come through again
And opened a new one

Your name wasn't carved on this door
And I began again.

---------------------------

Sometimes it's really hard for me to move on from things. I'm a very open person... I tell people things. I suppose that makes me a vulnerable person, more prone to be hurt by people. I love people a lot, I am close with them, I grow with them. And sometimes... people leave my life. They don't always come back. That is hard for me to accept. I don't WANT them to leave, I want everyone to always stay here with me. Yes, sometimes I find it hard to accept change. But changes comes. People walk out of my life, but then again.... sometimes I walk out of theirs. 

What I need to keep in mind is that God is always closing doors... and at the same time, opening new ones. People walk out of our life for a reason. Maybe it's so that God can present us to new people or to a new opportunity. Yes, change hurts. It's dreadfully hard sometimes. I don't always think I can bear it... and that is when I throw myself at the foot of the cross and ask for God's help. I can't face this life alone. Whenever I turn to Christ in hard times, I am always ALWAYS reminded that He has a reason for closing doors. And He opens new ones. It's our choice whether or not we want to cling to the things in the past... or walk through that new door. Recently I have been learning to see that new door as an opportunity, an experience, a new lesson to be learned. 

There are some situations where I need to just move on.... start over... begin again... and walk through a new door. 

Humility

I am not the most humble person out there. Absolutely not. In fact... I probably lean more towards the "prideful" side of the spectrum. I admit, I like to brag about myself and all my accomplishments. Recently however, I've been re-thinking my response to my own accomplishments. I'm currently reading Saint Augustine's The City of God. 

This book is brilliant. It's inspiring, refreshing, and everything I needed to hear.

At one point, St. Augustine writes concerning humility and pride.

There is, therefore, something in humility which, strangely enough, exalts the heart, and something in pride which debases it. This seems, indeed, to be contradictory, that loftiness should debase and lowliness exalt. But pious humility enables us to submit to what is above is; and nothing is more exalted above us than God; and therefore humility, by making us subject to God, exalts us. But pride, being a defect of nature, by the very act of refusing subjection and revolting to Him who is supreme, falls to a low condition; and then comes to pass what is written: "Thou castedst them down when they lifted up themselves." 

We seem then to have a choice before us. We can either:

a) Exalt ourselves and then fall low
b) Humble ourselves and let God exalt us

I think I'm going to go with the second choice. Humility has never come very easily to me... but it's something that I can work towards. I need God to set me in my place; subject to Him. I need to remember that He is my King and it is because He has blessed me that he lets me accomplish anything in the first place. 

The Beginning

However unoriginal this may sound: this is the beginning of my blog. It's more for my benefit than anyone else's. A place to store my thoughts, ideas, words, brilliance (or not), and anything else that comes to mind.

I have called this blog "Mind Palace" for a reason. While I live in no palace, my mind is one. The things inside my head are more interesting than the things I see in everyday life. Our minds are indeed palaces... if we treat them as such. We can choose to fill our minds with all kinds of junk from the world... or we can entertain in our minds ideas that build up our palaces. My mind is an inspiring place, and I want it to remain as such. This blog is where I want to let the ideas of my mind flow onto the page.

I'm looking forward to this little adventure.

With all that being said, welcome to my life. Or should I say... welcome to my mind palace.