A Ballad of the Sea

I was looking through some poetry that I wrote last year, and I came across this one...

A Ballad of the Sea

The sea is an ocean of memories.

It begins when memories are left,

Forgotten somewhere on a sandy beach.

The broken-hearted lover comes

And leaves his broken dreams

Lying in the sand.

And old man walks in the sand;

He pauses, remembering the time

When he first set sail on the sea,

And when he fought in his first war.

He leaves pieces of memories

Scattered by the ocean.

A middle-aged woman

Lets the tears fall in the white sand,

And then leaves her past regrets there,

Where no one can find them.

And when the tide comes,

It gathers the memories left on the beach,

And sweeps them back into dark waters.

And that is why

The sea is an ocean of memories.

All those memories, stored in the depths,

Mean that, perhaps,

The ocean is the greatest secret-keeper of all.

~a.v.g.

1/17/15

I am overwhelmed by the thought that I, of all the sinners in the world, would ever be allowed to lay all of my heavy burdens, my sins, and all of my earthly cares at the foot of the cross where Christ died to forgive my sins, even the worst of them. He has forgiven me, He has taken all of my burdens and all of my cares, and He continues to show me perfect, everlasting love.

2014: The year of so many opportunities that I can't remember them all

It's been quite a year. I've done enough in 2014 to cover about 5 years... it was busy, wonderful, hard, overwhelming, challenging, and rewarding all at the same time.

2014 began a year ago with... me sleeping in my bed because I had a terrible headache and went to bed at 9 instead of staying up until midnight. It was peaceful.

And then, less peacefully, came the 2nd semester of my junior year of high school... which meant a lot of school work, plus raveling to debate tournaments in Kansas, Bellevue, Minnesota, and Iowa. I got 3rd in impromptu at one tournament by talking about the failures of my past love life, and Natalie and I finally broke our 2nd place streak by getting first place in Team Policy debate at Regionals. Those were some fun times. I also spent the first three months of the year attending regular meetings every week to prepare for a mission's trip.

In April, I took the ACT for the last time, and then went on a mission's trip to Mexico (my first time out of the United States!) and got to spend a week sharing God's Word and His love with kids who were eager to learn. My heart was filled with so much joy. 

In May, there was Regionals, home school graduation (where I thought: "That'll be me next year!"), and a ton of graduation parties to attend.

In June, I spent the first week living on the UNL campus because I was attending Nebraska Girls State. I made new friends, ran for a political office, and was elected chairman of the Nationalist party, so I got to be in charge of managing the thoughts and opinions of 200 girls. As soon as that week was over, my parents picked me up, I went home, packed a different suitcase, and we drove (along with Haley and Annie) all the way out to Virginia. We all read "the Fault in Our Stars" on the way out, and decided it was OK, but not great. That week we attended the NCFCA National tournament at Patrick Henry College. I was tired of people (which never happens), sick with a really bad cough (always perfect when you have to do a lot of speaking), but it was a fun week. Then we took another couple of days, after the tournament was over, to go into Washington D.C. and do some touring there, which was fun... and then we also made a stop at Colonial Williamsburg. Then we started traveling back and made a stop at Hillsdale, Michigan for a college visit, before finally making it home. You know, I love traveling and seeing new places, but getting home after that trip was one of the best feelings in the world. I believe in my heart that Nebraska really is the Good Life.

In July, I flew back out to Washington D.C. for Girls Nation, where I spent a week with nearly a hundred girls from all around the United States. We debated bills that we had written in a mock Senate, we visited monuments and memorials, had a wreath-laying ceremony at Arlington Cemetery, visited the Holocaust museum and heard the story of a Holocaust survivor, we met with our Senators and Representatives, visited the Library of Congress, held an inauguration ceremony in the Capitol, and met the President of the United States. I made a lot of friends that week, but that week also taught me to be very grateful for the moral values and upbringing that I have been given.

In August, I said goodbye to all my friends who were heading to college, and then my family traveled to Colorado for some intense hiking experiences. We attempted to climb Long's Peak, and even though we didn't make it (at 6.5 miles up the mountain, there was a bad storm, so we decided to be smart and not continue), I still had a great experience. Climbing up above the treeline at 3 or 4 in the morning is an incredible experience... to the East we could see the entire city of Denver and the lights that illuminated it. Above me, the stars shined more brightly than they ever had before (probably because I was so high up). And then we got to watch the sunrise.... and watch as the sun's light slowly warmed and brought light to the world around me. It was magnificent. At the end of August, I also started dating my best friend Jonah, and the conversations with him and memories that we've made have been wonderful.

September began with the realization that everyone who had ever told me that "Senior year is so easy!" was actually lying. My life was quickly consumed with scholarship applications, a college application (ok, so I only applied to one place...), trying to make decisions for next year, and keeping up with homework. It was a good kind of busy.

October wasn't too exciting... just a lot of meetings to go to, campaigning to do, events at UNL to attend, homework to do, and a Physics class at a local college that stressed me out more than I should have let it. 

In November, I had the opportunity to speak in front of some veterans and show them my appreciation for everything that they've done for this country. I turned 18, registered to vote, and didn't buy any cigarettes. 

In December, I finished school for the semester (I'm 7/8 of the way through high school!!!), pulled off a high A in my Physics class, got 3rd at a practice debate tournament, and spent Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and several days after Christmas with family... just talking, telling stories, and learning how to dance better. And then somehow on the 31st of December I found myself sitting here, writing about what a year it has been.

I feel so blessed to have been given so many chances to have such wonderful experiences this past year. It's been incredible.... but not just because I've done cool things. It's been incredible because this year I met new people, made new friendships, strengthened old friendships, and had better conversations and laughed more than I have in any of the other years. Doing things and going to interesting places have given me a lot of good memories. But the best memories from this year have just been from people. Late night hotel conversations with Annie and Haley, going for a walk in the evening at the Minnesota National Open, meeting Israelis who were on vacation in Colorado and getting to know them, telling family stories around the fire on December 26th, talking about my faith and having it challenged, spending evenings playing games and watching movies with people that I love... those times have given me the best memories of this past year. 

Thank you so much, everyone. You all have helped to make 2014 the best year yet. :) Now let's make 2015 even better.... ;)

"Your personal beliefs offend me"

There's one thing I've noticed about Americans lately: we are people who get really offended. About everything. Everything. We're offended when people say something that we don't agree with, but not only that, some people are offended when other people don't BELIEVE the same things that they do.  

 

What. on. earth.

 

Is that what our world has become? 

 

Oh my gosh, people. Seriously can everyone just CHILL OUT for one week or something?

 

Offended, according to google, means: "resentful or annoyed, typically as a result of a perceived insult." 

 

That's pretty accurate, if you ask me. People act like another person believing something that they don't agree with is a personal insult, which means that we have a right to be super resentful/annoyed about it.

 

 Guys, come on. Nothing good comes out of someone acting offended by a statement/belief. Just because someone says something that you don't agree with or something that may not be the nicest thing DOES NOT mean you have to be offended.

 

Gay people get offended when people don't agree with their beliefs, different races get offended when things aren't perfectly equal. Women get offended that things aren't perfectly equal for them. But is being offended really the right response? I'm not so sure it is. 

 

I don't think Jesus was ever "offended" by what people/said did. Did he agree with everything other people said/did? Obviously not. He wasn't offended when people mocked him or blatantly disagreed with his teachings. He did rebuke people, and sometimes it was harsh. But he didn't do it because he was offended. Being offended isn't a good reason to do anything. Doing something out of love, or doing something because you know it is what is right/for the best, that's different. But please, please, don't make decisions or act on something just because you were offended. 

 

Martin Luther King Jr. didn't help lead the civil rights movement because he was offended by how the blacks were being treated. He saw discrimination as WRONG, so he did what he believed was RIGHT, but he didn't do it because he felt like people were personally insulting him and he was resentful. It's all about your motives.

 

It seems to me that the people in history who truly wanted to make a difference... they weren't the people standing from soap boxes shouting things about how things are so unfair for them and yelling about how they are soooo upset that you don't agree with them. 

 

No, that's not how it goes.

 

The people who truly make a difference realize that there is some injustice going on, or something is truly wrong, and they want to fix it. But they aren't fixing it just because they're resentful towards other people, they fix problems because they want to make the world a better place and they are motivated by what they believe is RIGHT, not by what they were offended by. 

 

So, guess what, everyone? You don't have to be offended by everything. Please don't be. It makes for a lot of grumpy people who hate each other and just want to get back at other people and show that "I'm better than they are!" 

 

Let's learn to be a society that can respectfully disagree with others, and at the same time work to make necessary changes in a thoughtful and kind way on issues that we believe are right/wrong.

"...And I was alone."

The other day I was looking through some things that I wrote a couple years ago, and I came across this. I kinda liked it:

"I always have this fear that one day you are going to discover that I'm not as great as you once thought I was. <--this is to be alone.

Once upon a time, I surrounded myself with a wall. Not just any wall… not just wall of sticks or stones. I surrounded myself with a fortress. A mental fortress. Impossible for even the strongest to penetrate. I was determined, so very determined, that I would be the only one allowed inside my fortress. I did not want to be close to other people. Confined within the walls that I had so carefully constructed, I was able to create my own world. I had my own dreams and lived my own destiny. I did not want others to truly know me. Within me resided the fear that one day I would be discovered. But no! I would not let that happen. The truth is; I was afraid. Afraid to let people befriend me, afraid to let them discover who I truly was. I was not perfect. In fact, I was far from it. I raised the expectations for myself to a height where I almost expected myself to achieve perfection – but I was never able to do so. I felt that those around me wanted me to be so perfect that they expected more of me than I was able to give. It was a panicked feeling, the feeling that I was not good enough, that I could never be good enough. I gave myself the appearance of someone who was to be desired, loved. I was, I suppose you could say, popular, adored. But that wasn’t the real me, that was a disguise that I had thrown on top of my real identity because I didn’t want people to know that I wasn’t really as great as they thought I was. But living a lie, while the lie may have looked good, made me an outcast on the inside. I had forbidden myself to grow close to anyone, because I knew that that would mean uncovering who I truly was. I had no one to talk to about my deepest troubles, no one to confide in. I knew that I was a broken person – but I didn’t want others to know. But then, slowly, I began to realize, that to live with the fearful mindset of wanting to be great only because I wanted to keep people from discovering the true me – that mindset is loneliness, solitude. And I was alone. I realized that I’d rather have people see the true, plain, not-all-that-interesting me, rather than be alone. So I tore down the wall. Bit by bit, it all came crashing down around me. If I had previously stood a princess, now I stood a pauper. My life changed drastically. Many rejected me. I had expected this; people did indeed realize that I was not as great as I had once claimed to be. But then there were others who stuck by me. People who truly did understand, people who didn’t care who I was or that I was so imperfect. Those were the people who were real. They were real enough to realize that not everyone is perfect, that everyone makes mistakes. They understood that people hurt, that everyone falls down. And those friends are the people who, when I did fall down, were able to pick me up again."

rainy day thoughts

Some days are sunny and life is easy and everyone is happy and you wonder if things could ever go wrong. But some days are also cloudy and you think it might rain and you spend the day at home listening to sad music and thinking over every hard thing in life, and it seems impossible to imagine ever being truly happy and content with your life. There will be times when I stay up late trying to solve all the world's problems. There will be days when I forget to smile. 

But that's okay, because even though I'm imperfect, I still want to love you. You will have hard days, and I will too... some days I will cry and you won't be around to comfort me. But I want to love you through the hard days and through the wonderful days. I want to be by your side when you need me, and I want to be by your side on the sunny days when the happiest memories are made. You are like sunshine on the darkest days, you make me smile at my weakest moments. When I'm with you, the stars seem to shine brighter, my heart is warmer, and you make me want to be content with where I am, but still live life to the fullest.

[a post on thankfulness]

I think I've posted about thankfulness before... yeah, pretty sure I have. But that's okay, because it's one of those topics that doesn't get old quickly. 

Anyways, I was nominated to do the 5-day gratitude challenge, or whatever the official title of it is called, but instead of doing the challenge over 5 days (I did day #1 yesterday already), I decided to just combine the last four days into a blog post... because I want to write about thankfulness, and that way y'all don't have to see stuff from me every single day. This is just easier. :)

Now, you can be thankful for the little things in life and you can be thankful for the big things in life. I personally think it's important to appreciate BOTH - the little things can bring us so much joy, the big things are great too. We never know when something may be lost and we won't have the chance to be thankful for it any more.

I think that being thankful is a mindset. It's a mindset of not taking things for granted, appreciating what things you do have even on hard days, and taking the time to enjoy those little moments in life that we never want to forget. (p.s. this mindset lasts for longer than a 5 day challenge).

Guys, we live in the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA - do you know what that means? It means we're some of the most blessed people in the whole. wide. world. And you know what? I think that despite that, we still complain more than any other country in the world (I could be wrong, but that's what it seems like). Don't get me wrong, I complain too... sometimes a lot, but that is not something that I want to be known for or something that I am proud of. 

When I take a step back and look at the big picture, there is no reason for Americans to be so ungrateful about everything. C'MON EVERYONE-- when I look at the news going on around the world, I can't help but be amazed at how blessed I am. I can worship God freely, I can proclaim my agreement or disagreement with politicians, I don't have to worry about leaving my house and getting blown up, any citizen 18 & up can vote (regardless of race or gender), we all have food on our tables, we have soldiers who fight to protect us and our rights, most of us have parents who care about us, people have the ability to choose to educate their kids how they want... ALL OF THESE THINGS (the list goes on and on)... and yet, people still complain or point out how they don't have the newest phone model, so their life is just really terrible, or they're just soooo tired of going to school and they wish they could stay home all day. That is lame. We take so many things for GRANTED here, things that other people in other countries would be so grateful to have (like education, food, a family, protection, a government that isn't openly terribly corrupt and goes about killing all its citizens, etc. (guys I know our government isn't the best... but it's still way better than governments in other countries)).

We are so focused on getting MORE that we forget what we already HAVE. We somehow look past all of the things that we have been blessed with and instead all we want are things that we don't have, and we think "oh, well if I had that, then I wouldn't want anything else because that thing would make me happy". In the words of one of Jake Owen's songs... "We all want what we ain't got".

Things are SO flipped around in the world. We have everything but complain as if we have nothing, and people in other countries have nothing and still are so thankful for even the littlest things in life. That doesn't make sense.

Closing thoughts: Be thankful for what you have, because... someday you may not have that stuff any more. Be grateful for the friends that you have now and your loving family. Right now have the ability to speak up about your beliefs and to talk to people in power about why you think they should change their ideas or what you like about what they're doing - not everyone has that in other countries. Take full advantage of your education, because even though a lot of people in my generation don't enjoy it or care about their education, we are so blessed to even be able to take the classes that we do and go to colleges and universities and gain knowledge. 

YOU have been incredibly blessed where you are right now, understand that. Now go forth and be thankful in your life for the little things and the big things, and if somehow you lose everything in life, still be thankful that you serve a great God who has given you life on this earth. Finally, make being thankful a mindset, not just something that you do occasionally or for a 5 day challenge. 

1 Thessalonians 5:18 "... give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."